After You Say ‘I Do’

How to weather that challenging first year of marriage

It all begins with, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” It’s your first year of marriage—and the first time you’ve committed to something forever.

“Even if you live together first, marriage changes things,” says Nick Jupina, Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network marital and family therapist. “There’s a lot of power in the words ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my boyfriend,’ and it brings seriousness to the relationship.”

Before marriage, your role models were other dating couples. Now you’re probably modeling yourself on your parents. “A newlywed couple’s interactions tend to mirror their parents’ styles,” Jupina says. “Typically, it all comes out in the first fight.”

If you don’t like what you see in that first confrontation, take comfort—you have the power to change things. “Get to know each other, understand each other and respect each other,” Jupina says. “Since bad relationship habits are hard to break, take a careful look right now at your parents’ relationship and decide how you want yours to be different.”

Begin by recognizing the “unspoken contracts,” the idea that each of you just naturally should know what the other wants, feels and needs. “You don’t know,” Jupina says, “so resist the temptation to make assumptions.”
Instead, make time to ask your new spouse about his wants and needs—and to assert clearly your own. Here are some of the key issues to talk about:

Who to “let in.” How do you deal with your spouse’s intrusive parents? What details do you share about your relationship, and with whom? “Create boundaries together so you become a marital team,” Jupina says.

Your time. How much time do you spend together and how much apart? “Learn each other’s routines and needs, and find ways to compromise,” Jupina says. “For example, one partner’s long working hours may be tolerable when you’re dating, but not if you’re planning a family.”

Tasks and chores. “Traditional roles have changed, so start out as equal partners and negotiate who does what,” says Pat Gordy, Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network therapist. “Make sure you understand each other’s tasks—for example, if you enter the bills on the computer, show your partner how it’s done.”

Money. Decide whether you want separate accounts or a joint one, and how you’ll use your income. “Think of yourselves as a business,” Jupina says. “Create a five-year plan—for example, how much do you need to save for a home? Use credit cards only if you can pay them off each month. Doing finances to-gether creates a sense of ‘us’—you climb the mountain together to overcome the obstacles.”

Career. Job choices involve two people now. Ask each other: Do we dream of being entrepreneurs? Living somewhere else? What are our individual and collective career goals—and how will we adjust them if we decide on children?

Sex. Typically, newlyweds need to talk about sexual needs, styles and frequency. In our overbooked modern world, Gordy says, they may have to consciously make time for lovemaking.

Holidays. Where and how do you celebrate special occasions? “Part of being a new couple is creating your own rituals and traditions, and asserting them to your families,” Gordy says. “If everyone is competing for your time, try different compromises—for example, Thanksgiving with his family on Thursday and hers on Saturday. Next year, switch.”

Obviously, when people say “marriage takes work” they’re not kidding. “But marriage also is a wonderful adventure,” Jupina says. “Keep it fresh by communicating and doing special things for each other. Hold hands while you walk. Go on dates. Take time to say please and thank you, and you’ll always appreciate each other.”

Want to Know More about what makes a good marriage? Click here. About rules for fair fighting? Click here.

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